How to deal with confessions in a relationship

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Azuka and Nkem grew up as childhood sweethearts, Azuka’s parents and Nkem’s parents had been family friends for years. They both went to the same primary school but due to a federal government policy, Azuka and her family had to relocate to another city.

Fortunately, they reunited in university and their love for each other was stronger than ever. They eventually got married a few years after University, but never told each other some secrets from their past while they were separated. Azuka was raped by her maternal uncle while in secondary school and gave birth to a baby girl, whom the world thinks is her baby sister. Nkem on the other hand had once been arrested for armed robbery immediately after high school, due to his parents influence he was set free, he is now a changed man and wants to be a law abiding citizen, yet Azuka is not aware of this past life.

After a while Azuka’s mother died and the question of who would be responsible for Azuka’s daughter came up unfortunately Nkem was not aware Azuka was a mother, because she never told him. Nkem also needed to change jobs but was denied the new position because of his past criminal record and unfortunately he never told Azuka!!
This is a situation many people face, some are free from it, while some will never be and die with these secrets. Life is truly tough because we continuously face the consequence of our decisions every single day.

It is said by some researchers that one in every five people have kept major secrets from their partner. These secrets come in different forms from secret savings, to secret house, to secret children, secret spouse, secret car, secret clothes, secret investments, secret cash and the list goes on. There’s a general assumption that secrets are bad. And it’s a pretty reliable rule of thumb that honesty is best with the people you love like your partner, your children, your family, your best friend, anyone who matters to you deserves the TRUTH. — because secrets get in the way of real intimacy, they hinder you, they keep nagging your mind and thought, make you falter. But there are all sorts of reasons why, sometimes, coming clean may do more harm than good, some secrets destroy everything and the ripple effect is just like a tsunami sweeping everything away.

In this case I’m not talking about small secrets, but really who is to say what’s small or big in terms of secrets?  What may be small to you, will appear mighty to another person. A minor misdemeanor is another person’s betrayal.
Long-held secrets have the ability to destroy more than you can imagine. Why?  because the person is changed forever in the other person’s eyes, you just may never be able to see them the same way again. generally, people recover on different levels some do not have the ability to recover from betrayal of trust, however hard they try, this is just how it is for them.

I mean obviously if you KNOW what you are doing is wrong why do it anyway? When it will be so difficult to own up, but then this is life, full of mystery and should we say “the devil?” who makes us do things (he always gets the blame).  The sad part is there is nothing like the right time for a confession, the day you think is the right time may be the wrong one, but you cannot keep avoiding it.

There is a research (not my opinion) that 18 per cent of over-40s keep hefty stashes of cash secret from their partners. While another says some couples can keep secrets for as long as 25years (wow really?) then again who is a saint? Who is willing to cast the first stone?

I will discuss a few of these secrets with you below

The secret of having Affairs and/ or one-night stand

I believe that the damage a secret can cause in your relationship depends on your personal perception. Also in some cases how your partner perceives it to be, the more you keep it, the harder it is to confess. The secret will not give you peace of mind. I had a case of someone who had a one-night stand, that was meant to be “meaningless” the cost of keeping over time became an additional burden. let’s not even talk about porn, debt, gambling, another wife or husband hidden somewhere or having a constant side chick or side bae, an ongoing relationship that does not seem to have an expiry date.

Coming clean means you have to change, are you ready to?

The Effect of confession

It may be a relief at long last to get a secret off your chest and finally be free. But what about the person who has been kept in the dark? How can you tell what the reaction will be? secrecy is deadly.   It is nearly always better not to have secrets, but sometimes it might be better to keep quite in a wise Head, the decision is yours. You have to think about what you’re hoping to achieve and be ready for the consequence, you also have to think about keeping quiet and be ready for what comes after or maybe never just maybe.

Secrets of the family

For any family, there should be boundaries on secrecy. while some couples may think there is nothing wrong in letting the kids know about what goes on between the couple it is not ideal to be too open or frank with them, especially if they are not old enough to fully comprehend issues on ground. Honesty is best. But that doesn’t mean revealing all the dirty details. I usually advise that couples should censor with wisdom their words and think carefully about motives before you give away too much about your life or issues between you and your partner
Ultimately, it’s up to you as a couple to decide what’s appropriate for them. But never underestimate the impact of revealing secrets to your children. Be wise

Steps to take if you decide to confess a secret

— Think about how your partner will feel. Will it be good? will be bad? or downright ugly? Put yourself in his or her shoes.
— It’s an awesome relief if you have now decided to come clean yourself. It’s much harder if you get caught with that secret, and also difficult if you are the one it is being hidden from.
— Be ready for hard work, because when trust is lost gaining it back is serious pressure, your every move after this will be scrutinized closely, you must be ready. And it will take time. Sometimes it is difficult to gauge the real depth of damage confession brings. It’s just a risk one may have to take to set things right.
—  The onus will now be on you to lay emphasis that you believe honesty is a risk worth taking because you value the relationship (that will not be easy to say)
—  Have it in mind that if your relationship is truly strong, and you are prepared to put in the work, and also face the music, then confession can lead to renewed trust and closeness. you just have to try and convince them that you will not or never repeat those things and own up quickly when you need help to resist. I wish you all the best.